Following complaints by & about the male sex lives in 'A Song of Ice and Fire' are downright hilarious...
>I am deeply, may I repeat, deeply distressed at the lack of a thorough going analysis and guide to sex for the Westerosi man in your earlier posts. We need to know how to be properly and appropriately guilty, conflicted and clumsy in true Westerosi style.
To help you on your way here is the Wildling Man Guide to Mating and Reproduction, hand bound, no date or author details, as found in the slightly foxed section of the citadel Library:
Step one. Spot your female. Top tips: red hair = lucky, hair all over = beware extra biting and scratching
Step two. Scope the menfolk: are they meek and weak - then all's clear! Are they strong and bold - time for a back up plan, or return to step one
Step three. Wait until dark. Feel free to drink mead while waiting. This may alievate the need for a back up plan as required in 2.2
Step four. Break in to the sleeping place of the female in question, but quiet like.
Step five. Time for a lusty kiss with the lovely lass, but quiet like. And not too lusty neither.
Step six. Run off together. Remember if you are fighting her brothers or father at the time try not to get kilt.<
A reply: >The Black Brother's guide to Wenching and Whoring
Step 0: Don't get sent to the wall.
If you're reading this it is probably too late to do this, but maybe you are here by choice and haven't taken any vows yet. Needless to say, the Wall is not a place to Wench and Whore, it is all guys! I know the recruitment packet talks about Queens regularly visiting the wall and giving out 'gifts' but these are LIES. Seriously, stay away. In fact go further away. They have a lot of group sex in Dorne.
Step 1: Finding the right girl.
Well you are here and you have taken some vows, so now it is time to partake in a time honored tradition held by all Sworn Brothers, Vow Breaking! Here are some good criteria to tell whether or not she is worth it.
The first question everyone should ask is how many people will I need to kill to pull this off. The old rule of thumb was don't kill anyone to get laid, however times are changing. The New Night's Watch Handbook: Pissing Off Stannis or Getting Fired Tryin'! states that it is ok to kill a Sworn Brother Provided he says it ok and the woman involved routinely insults your intelligence.
The second question everyone has to ask is if someone better is going to come along. If you're fat, stuck on a boat, and seasick the answer is no and you should go for it.
Step 2: Picking the right location.
This is based on personal experience, but stay out of Mole Town. If you have been there you know what I mean, if not, it's called Mole Town for christsakes, do the math.
The Sworn Brothers recommend caves and ship cabins for all your romantic interludes. Caves offer protection from the elements and occasionally a pool warm enough for a skinny dip. The great things about ship cabins is that you are likely to be stuck in a room with your lover for weeks on end. You should at least be able to manage a peek. If she's nursing a baby peeking becomes easier.
We strongly recommend that you don't get married in Bravos, unless you want your honeymoon to be a free cruise in the canals. Alone. With a knife in you.
Additional Notes: We're being attacked by an ancient terror bent on the destruction of mankind so my final notes must be quick, but I strongly advise you to do the following.
-Kiss up to the Lord Commander. Alternatively, make your only/best friend LC. He will most likely send you on a mission away from danger with the girl of your dreams.
-Don't cry over sex. It's unattractive and means you will definitely break her heart in the future. You may even do so with arrows.
-Be classy with the dumping. Man up about your relationship. Murder isn't always the answer.
-Women love a hero who is destined to do great things. Even if this isn't you, try to convince them it is. This might mean going to the Godsforsaken North to fight an invisible enemy. If that is the case, try to pick someone who gives off above average body heat for those cold long nights.
-If you don't want to kill your lover, find one on OUR side of the damn Wall. See that big block of ice? It hinders relationships. A lot.
-If you are nine and crippled the following make great traveling companions, a girl you like, her know it all brother, a man who can only say his own name, and a creepy old guy who may or may not be dead. Take charge of your life. Be the only remotely eligible man around. Convincing her you're on a quest to save the world also works well here.
Testimonials - "I was told being a foretold savior of prophecy would be a great way to meet women. Boy was I wrong. This book has changed my life, I wish I had read it years ago." -Stannis Baratheon
"This book is classic Westeros Literature. An absolute must have it. I would strongly encourage anyone who one day dreams of becoming Lord Commander to read this book." -Jon Snow
"This book has completely changed my life. I'm afraid of it." Samwell Tarly
"I have to say, since reading this book I've done my best to make some changes. I had to fake my death, but after doing so and taking this advice things seem to be working out." Bran Stark
"Hordor" -Hordor (anyone reading the books gets this one:)
http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/topic/44558-the-complete-westerosi-man-guide-to-sex/?s=4376b875054c12e23d667ffe3d69ddfe
